While I was sleeping...

Okay, so I tried to send a  blog update from my phone and it posted as 12 different blogposts, but I've corrected it.

I am sitting in a mall right now, glad to be out of the hotel and enjoying being by myself. But right now i'm left to my thoughts and they are bothering me.
I found out this morning that an old class mate from Buffalo High School died on Tuesday night.
One of my friends just found out that one of her parents is seriously ill right now.
One of my cousin's is being held on false charges of child abuse until further notice.
My brother's baby might be born at any time or it just might be false labor, we don't know.
And I'm dealing with some pain from a pulled muscle in my back/hip.
All things considered I know that I am blessed beyond measure. There is good and bad in life and i feel removed from all of it, yet very close to it at the same time.
I've been thinking about everything that happens while I'm sleeping and my role as a christian.

While I was sleeping tuesday night and last night a family was watching one of thier own step into eternity.
A friend was struggling with the question of whether she will lose her dad.
A young girl was anticipating the birth of her first child and experiencing possible pains of labor.
And a father is sitting in jail wondering why someone would accuse him of beating a child he loves.
While I was sleeping the world was turning and people's lives went on. I don't want to be removed from peoples lives. I want to enter into their joys and pains even when i'm not present with them. While I was sleeping I could have been praying or encouraging them on the phone or just writing letters. I will get my rest but may the world never find me sleeping again.

If God is so merciful then why does He allow people to go to Hell?

Early this afternoon I went to Barnes and Noble with my work partner, Michelle. We spent a couple of hours there and during that time I picked up a book from the Christian Inspiration section and read it. (yeah, pretty much the whole thing excluding the authors notes and stuff in the back of the book.) It was called  Nine Days in Heaven. I've read 90 Minutes in Heaven and 23 Minutes in Hell, and though the books were an interesting look at Heaven and Hell neither of them really resonated with me, so when I saw this title it didn't really strike much interest in me, but I did want to see if it was any different from the other two books, so I read the back cover and found myself intensely curious.

This was the descriptions for those who want to know what struck my curiosity: "Marietta Davis fell into a trance at age twenty-five that lasted nine days. She experienced a vision that made her a legend. When she finally regained consciousness she described with extraordinary graphic detail scenes of how angels had conducted her spirit to heaven and hell. Marietta made it clear that her vision was given for her to tell the world so people could prepare for the afterlife."

While I was reading I was given many things to think about, but I think none of them came so strongly as the idea of a merciful God sending people to Hell.  We can give the tired old arguments (though very valid) of sin and holiness and the fact that sin and holiness cannot dwell together, but I'm not sure those answers can really satisfy the question when it's centered around mercy. Anyway, as I was reading it dawned on me that the fact that God does allow people to go to Hell proves His mercy, because perhaps Hell itself, though it is a place of judgement, is God still showing mercy on those who have been judged and found guilty.

I know if anyone is reading this they're probably writing me off as a complete idiot right now, but hear me out.

In this book, Marrietta had visited/seen visions of both Heaven and Hell (and keep in mind that she is not seeing them as a Christian). Whether she really visited or just had a vision, or even a dream doesn't make a difference to me so we're not even going to question it because I don't think it changes what I realized.   Anyway, she see's Heaven and it's wonder's first and then she see's Hell second and the incredible contrast it was to Heaven's glory. 

It was very descriptive, it showed hell as a place where people are given over to their evil desires and as they pursue them they ultimately become a slave to their desires and find them unquenchable and thus live in despair. They live with the knowledge that they had turned their backs on God and crumble in the despair that there was no hope of redemption left for them. In seeing Marrietta in Hell and knowing she didn't belong there (yet) because she was not dead but still had a shot at redemption drove them further into the agony and despair they were suffering. They were sinful and suffering, and their sinfulness bred more sin and suffering, like an endless cycle they couldn't escape. And this was only the surface of Hell.

After seeing Hell, she saw Heaven again where she heard the melody and unity of worship to God in love and found it so beautiful she longed to join in but as she tried she found that she could not align herself to the Melody and the more she tried the more she found herself in her own Hell because she realized that she was unfit for Heaven.  The realization drove her mad because she realized that when she tried to join in, she was ruining the song as she did not possess the holiness or the love that caused the angels to sing as one this beautiful song of worship.  Her sinfulness ruined it's purity.

The idea was presented that when people die they are ushered to the place where there are souls like themselves, so an evil soul that resisted God was ushered to Hell, a soul cleansed and redeemed by Christ was ushered to Heaven. I thought this was an interesting idea in light of the things she saw in Heaven and Hell. Even Isaiah, when he was in the midst of perfect holiness and purity could only despair of His sinfulness and how he was unfit to be there.

It seems that if sinful people who have not been freed from the bondage of sin were allowed into heaven, they would contaminate heaven, no doubt, but I feel that it might be worse for them than Hell itself. In Hell, they may be recieving the justice due to them, but in Heaven they would be laid bare, exposed, not covered by God's grace as they had never accepted it. They would have a constant reminder that they are unfit for God's Kingdom, that they could never truly be a part of it, that they could never take part in the beauty, lest they ruin it. To me that is far worse than any Hell I can imagine.  It reminds me of 2 Peter 2:21 that says It would be better if they had never known the right way to live than to know it and then reject the holy commandments that were given to them.  (NLT)
Even though I know this verse it talking about people who turn their backs on Salvation, it seems to fit that it would be less despairing for a person to have never seen Heaven and suffer in Hell than it would be for a person to see Heaven and find themselves condemned. That's why I speculate that Hell, though it's purpose remains, could still be an act of mercy on God's part.

I acknowledge that I could be wrong. But it was intersting to think about.

Arg... Brain Mush.

A sense of nostalgia washes over me as I sit here reading through blogs and browse facebook pages of friends. Sometimes it just feels like:
Here I am! Now how did I get here?!

It's not that I am in a bad place now. I generally enjoy where I am, but a sense of panic has overcome me as I think about the fact that life has changed and when I am done here, I'm not going back to what was before. I don't know if I really like that.  People grow up and change. Life happens.

I loved being at Bethel College, at least until last year right before I dropped out.  I am so glad that I did take the time to take that break, because I really needed it. When I left I didn't know if God would ever bring me back to Bethel and have me finish my degree, or if I would move on and do something else with my life. But now I want so much to go back.  I have been working hard to pay off my school bill so I can return. ((*highlight* I made a payment today that dropped my bill to below $2,000!)) I emailed Bethel to inquire about what I need to do to return in August, and I got a reply almost right away letting me know that they are glad that I am seeking to return and are forwarding my email to the person I need to talk to. I'm also trying to save as much money as I can to pay for school since I've reached my limit for loans and have lost $10,000 in Grants and Scholarships because I'm a 5th year student. I've also been on www.fastweb.com seeking and applying for scholarships.  I've yet to win a scholarship they've told me about, but there's a first time for everything, right?
I pray that if God is leading me to return to Bethel that He will open or close doors, that He would show me which ones to walk through and which ones to stop banging my head against, lol.

I logged on to my student account last week and did a degree audit and I found that Bethel is offering a new minor called Family Studies.  I've decided that I want that minor to compliment my degree in Youth Ministry and Adolescent Studies.

So anyway, that tangent brings me back to my original topic.  When I return, what do I expect? Most of the people I knew won't be there anymore. They've moved on with their lives... married... started careers... left the United States to do Ministry... I feel kind of like I've been left behind. I guess the only thing I can really do is move on with my life too. I don't think I've been sitting stationary. I know that I've been changing too, but perhaps my heart longs for what is familiar, especially since right now, nothing is familiar to me. It longs for the comfort of the way things were. What happened to the heart that longed for an exciting adventure?  I think the heart still wants that, but the heart is fickle. Boo.

But I still wonder... what was it that brought me to this place? How did I move so far away from where I was?  This is not a bad place to be. Infact, this is right where I need to be right now.

I don't know how to explain what I feel. It just feels like it happened so fast and here I am. I feel so blessed to be here, yet I long to go back to Bethel in August, even knowing it won't be the same. Maybe the question is simply 'why?'.  For what reason does God have me here?  For what reason did He have me leave Bethel for the time He did?  And the next question is 'what's next?'.

The plan is to return to Bethel.
For what? 
To complete a degree.
And then what?
I get a job.
And then what?
Maybe God blesses me with a husband and a family.
And then what?
Maybe I'll retire, have grandkids, and live out the rest of my life in peace and harmony.

Unlikely. I'm not sure I even desire that, really.

When I visited Imago Dei a few weeks ago, Rick McKinley spent some time talking about jobs and working and such.  We will never find fulfillment in a job, but we're not supposed to. Fulfillment doesn't come through work, it comes through God.  When we are in a job, we seek to be purposeful. There will always be days when we feel like we hate our job, or want to quit. That's why our job has to have purpose.
So let's ask the questions again?

I return to Bethel.
For what?
For vocational training that leads me to a place of purpose.
And then what?
I seek where God wants me.
And then what?
I go there and live life on purpose glorifying God and advancing His Kingdom until the day I die.
And then what?
"Well done good and faithful servant" It's all up to God.

Well, it's late and I'm not sure that I'm really making any sense anyway, so I'm going to finish up and go to bed.

Once again I saw a homeless person. I see them often, holding signs on the roads, sitting at rest stops...my heart cries out to them and i want to do something to help. Sometimes i find myself not knowing what to do when i cant give them anything that will help their present situation. Jesus says to take case of the poor, the needy... How can i sit here in this van and drive by them when they are crying out. How can i leave them so helpless when i am so blessed? even in my own poverty i have more than they do.God show of how i can be your hands and feet to those in need!

Visiting Imago Dei :-)

So, I am getting an awesome opportunity. Tomorrow my work partner, Michelle, and I are going to go to church at the Imago Dei Community in Portland, Oregon. This is the community that Donald Miller (author of Blue Like Jazz, Searching for God Knows What, Through Painted Deserts, etc) wrote about and attends. And it is the same church that Rick McKinley (author of This Beautiful Mess and Jesus in the Margins,) is a pastor for.

I am really excited about this opportunity, especially after reading This Beautiful Mess where Rick McKinley talks about the church body and the Kingdom of God.

I don't want to visit this community for the sake of visiting it. I want it to be a learning process. I want to see how the Kingdom of God is lived out by the people who make up Imago Dei. I want to be challenged, and I want to be inspired.